The day when you understand me...will never come.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
@4:41 PM
Assalamualaikum...
Ohayou.
It's been long time since I typed in this
nikki. I think my English become worst.
Well actually I have gave up on this world since PT3 was held. Yeah It's 2014. And that Time I've realized that my soul don't even care about this world. There's no interesting things and nothing to be love. Even I don't like humans. But I told myself I
have to because my Parents and Family
are humans. And Allah is the only reason I keep my live moves on.
What should I do. Nobody will understand me. Even moved to other school is the worst thing in my life (not like the worst but at least I got separated with my family and thats the good point but the rest are
totally went wrong).
Everyone have their own dark side and bright side.
Owh yes I totally agreed that because I can tell which one is my
dark side and which one is my
bright side.
ma..ikka~? I promise to this
nikki that I'll write about it. I'll write everything...what I have done to myself.
Ok. What I want everyone has to know is
I'm a person who cannot handle things.Then I'll go crazy...err...more like um...
insane. Yeah, got it! (
warning: you must accept this thing or else get out and dont even try to get into me) If you want ta know me well... I'm describing myself as
Fushimi Saruhiko. It's not like I'm
too obsessed with anime. No! I'm telling the truth. I finally found how to describe myself. But sometimes I could be so useless by being
Yata Misaki where I'm completely feel
like what have I done? Why'd people treated me like this? then my anxiety come overwhelm me.
I completely understand. Sometimes, anime got a lots of characters with
different characteristics that you never found in this world. Don't talk and never say it was just human fantasies, no! It's true. People do something because they want to describe their self
or their surrounding. It's Allah's gift. Think! if people don't have their creative brain how could this world full with wonderful things? Yes it's all about your brain. Our
right/migi brain. I know I've read lots of books about brain. You cannot live by only use one side of brain. You'll get nothing!
So back to the topic. To handle me , (i'm not someone that likes to
pampered(??
) I'm just need a
right person to cuddle me and say
don't worry...everything will be ok. Thats all I thing. And ...
Do not make myself feel useless and I'll turn into my dark side. Seriously I can't pull myself from sinking into my
dark side. I can't help myself about that. I hope humans
at least appreciate me, my works, what have I done! yeah.
I just need someone to calm me down and I'll be fine.(for sure, InshaAllah).
What else eh? let see.
I'm a person who have a tiny heart and I'm afraid of people who screaming when they are mad. I'm totally
scared. It just makes me feel like
people wanna hurt me(eventho they wont). Thats why
I need a person to cuddle me and say 'everything will be okay and something bad will never come to you.' like that~ Honestly,
I'm a person who paranoid to do something.I think it's more to anxiety
Like um...to talk straight forward like Aiman do... like I said..I'm just
afraid that people will
hurt me. To do something...means I'm
afraid that EVERYTHING that I did will
hurt anyone.
I always have empathize on someone but I've realize no one do that fer me so I don't like myself acting weak (and just like wanna people sympathies). I've heard once in my life a
person said ta me '
don't be too strong'. well I have to because nobody understand me and do...what I've mention above. and
honestly I'm a
NEGATIVE person.
Other than Allah,I've already list
some people in my life that I could accept them from bottom of my heart. well I just don't want include Allah because his the only one on the top so..hey! I'm talk about human right now...
Ok
FIRST! ...I cannot 100% relay on my parents and family...it's not that I don't trust them ,I'm just think that they have too many people in their life to take care of so I just put 'em 50%. I don't ever talk about my
dark side or
sadist life to them. (only my mother once about KRK and C1 but it's already be an old story so JUST FORGET ABT IT~!)
SECOND! sorry I got suddenly lighten up because just now
the second person I'll tell ya is my member of my life. there were, Aiman Fullbuster or sometimes i call him
mummen rider , Hannah Huzainy,Hariz Hakimi, Hanis Syahira' and ok no more.I got nobody else~? Well...I can't relay in 'em 100% on 'em like I said they also have their own life and people to take care.
THIRD! people that pleased to hear my problems are my otaku members...It's already 3 years and some of 'em 4 years they have befriending with me. I'm so grateful because there're ppl outside the world care abt me.(eventho we've never meet) There are Haziq, Aliff, Paan, Luqman..su..shuu...who else eh? Izzah Halim...and more? Meh~
Thanks for being there fer me
*warm smile*
FORTH! It's my second soul, Yuki and I love her so much. Maybe because she is myself so she completely understand me by feeling the same pain that I feel...but now..where is she. I miss her so much. I dont people to lean anymore. please come back to me...
Hyouku Yukirasaki.
here... in TJTI honestly...I can't see people who close to me ..when we are together..they laughing..smile..and pleased to see my face. yeah HECK
NO! Seriously, Even the first person was Eha..then Kinah...Hana...well mostly is Ion ..Ahh..well, I know she always be my side but heck I'll never see she laughing with me (the real one).. pleased to see my face and hope for me to be
gone! I know I'm completely useless, nothing good can be done with me...I'm
ANNOYING ...When I be myself, no one likes it. They hate it. I can tell by just seing their freakin' faces. I can be what they want ...it's maybe completely not me..(yeah soon, and Mugi don't like it because she loves when I'm being myself) I'm glad Faizah seems starting to accept me.
Someone has told me that I'm the
one who likes to look down on my health. It's not like I love that but I really want to. That's how I'm
torturing myself. The pain slowly come and gone. I don't care...As long as I don't reach my limit. I'll cut myself and watch blood flow and dripping down my wrist and arms. I'm completely okay with that because no one knows.(and nobody care) That't all. One day...I'll die too. Does everyone care when I...died? Nobody knows...even I dont know and dont wanna care about it anymore. As long as I can keep my soul in my body and keep follow the flow of my life...until soon...I die.
Fara, 4:40 pm. May 12th, 2016.
TO BE CONTINUE...
Labels: life