missing...
Friday, November 1, 2019
@2:18 AM
Assalamualikum...
its been long time da ne?
I decided to type in here again because I think my overthinking level is overloaded. I guess this is the right time to let it flow from me to here... The right place I guess.
oh well. and again I cannot tell people everything I feel. but I made a good progress I guess? I told my friend about what I'm doing. How my health going and mostly everything? Im still cannot let everything go just like that to my family not bcoz I dun trust them..
it is because I feel like Im perfectly fine eventho im sick because I dun care. I just like just the way who I am. I wont admit that I'm sick. I know I am sick but I AM NOT.
its hard to calm. ya know. It's kinda uhm… 1st time for me to do this. ya know... tell people how I feel. Yeah this is the first time.
ahh...
all this time I just let myself do nothing about my health until people realised em and dragged me to hospital like always. Tbh I rly hate that. Hate when people found out that you r actually sick. ughh so annoying.
but I kinda miss the moment when people take care of me.. sleep with me.. sit beside my bed and hold my hand...
this happened after..
I remember when ion found me after I ran away from asrama for a week. she dragged me to her room and everyone in the room hold me so I cannot run. then I dun rly remember who... they pulled up my long sleeves because they knew whats behind them. then pour sanitizer on it. That time I feel so much pain, and of coz I cried bcoz its too much pain. one of em hug me while shushing me until I sleep. ahh that time. I hvnt sleep almost a week. idk how do I look like. some teachers at asrama asked I said Im just tired from softball training. oh oh! that time I sprained my leg too. I didn't wear shoes to class. and I walk like a zombie. haha but then Im awake.. I feel stingy in my arm.. it just happened too fast. all of em sleep already. I dun remember who sleeps beside me and cuddle me.. and another one sleep whiles sitting beside the bed holding my stingy arm.. and it was treated and warped nicely. I dun rly remember if is it a piece of clothes or bandage. I tried to tear em off but the one who sitting ughhh I dun remember what she did.. I just remember shushing me to sleep guess? then stroke my fore head?.? I dun rly remember. it is the most comfortable thing I have ever experience. the time when I ion drag me.. theres'r shouting, apologizing ughh I cant relally remember.
oh the time when I have decided to run. it happened bcause they bullied me. took my diary.. make fun of my depression. Scolding me, screamed at me. argghhh I hate that I feel like I wanna cry. like..
please.. help me... they r gonnna kill me...
then smashed the door bcoz they hate me. lots of loud smashing sounds.. ughh I hate that. then I dun really remember hmm.. what I remember there's a pair scissors nice and sharp one. Im about to cut bcoz ive been away from my knife for a week that time. they confiscated em. all. my knives, needles, scissors and some broken glass that I did. it was sooooo frustrated. but when I got the scissors, I start to cut and laugh and cry, I dun remember much until ion open door (Ive been left alone after the shouting2 stuffs) and
"Farah..." I pretended that I sleep and once she pull the pillow that I hugged harshly,
oh gad im busted! I tried to get away ...again there's another episodes of shouting, struggling, ngggggg I dun remember much but I tried.hmm.. let see what happen eh ? uhm.. I was trashing around I guess. ion got the scissors and throw it away.. she shouts at me and hold hmm grip. ahh yes GRIP! my wrist . damn shes too strong. I cannot get away... she was clueless and she pull me into a hug.. im still squirming and trashing around and shouting, I dun know what im shouting about . ion hug me from the back locking me. I keep trashing and said lemme go .. I think I cried that time while laughing. maybe? what I clearly remember she was crying too. she whisper to me..
"kenapa kau macam ni…*sobs* sabar la sikit…" I.. dun remember then what happen.. all I know I keep shouting.. and I dun remember arghh stress aku hahaha. all I know ion finally calm me down.. then he go out just 2 mins and I was gone. that's my starting point that I ran away from asrama. my classmate also keep their eyes on me so I wont perform self harm. for me. self harm is gud. self harm calming me from everything and it is really pretty...
Im still think of that. my mind hasn't change. if I have no one in my life I would perform self harm. but now... since ever I enter university, I found lots of wonderful people. that's also the reason I didn't perform self harm. it is because..
if I do it..
they will sad..
I hate seeing them sad because of me...
I want them happy...
so I wont do it...
today event rly triggered me... bcause boku no daiji na tomodachi are kinda sad when I said I skipped my check up today. I hate doc, I hate people treat me like im a sick person. Im fine. please... they said they would drag me to hospital if they were here. ish. I takut la. and I totally hate people said im sick nasjciasucaskj I know im sick but please... understand my feeling. :( idk what to do anymore. I afraid to tell my family and this is the 1st time I tell people that I (kinda) sick today. hmmm...
dou seru dake?
am I that bad?
am I being bad to myself because I dun take a gud care of it?
im sorry everyone...
idk whats wrong with me,,,
of yeah I just reminiscing my depression phase because I see my friend is having the same phase as the old me. Her arm full with those beautiful aka no lines. and was admitted to hospital every time she did that. oh damn shes totally like the old me. I wish that I could do that again one day where everyone lemme do it. dun sad just bcoz of me.
I wish I could visit her at hospital rn but dah nk balik. hmmm and I hate hospital lol.
I guess that's all for now.
my head now ish freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
thanks for reading <3 Fara loves soma <3
ja~
Labels: life