Assalamualaikum..
heyya people. It's been 3 days that I've cut myself since...something actually trigger my train of thoughts. This is one of the worst but it is all okay i guess.. I'm not planing to die or kill myself btw. I just wanna make everything come to sense. That I'm still breathing and walking by watching my own blood flowing. It was satisfying.
I was wrong. Everything I said that people don't really care about me is wrong. They actually trying hard until at some point they don't know what to do.. don't know how to help. It's not like they don't care at all. It is just because they'll never understand me bcoz they hv nver been in my shoes. same applied to other people. If they said they would understand they r lying cuz no one understand each other by the same reason. I realized when i scrolled down my google photos and found a memory of me having a really bad time at jasin and my friends non stop calling me(screenshotted) everyday... and there's a pics and a video of me unboxing like.. a box. idk what to call that box so lets call it.. a loving selfcare box can I?
It's funny that I usualy grab neko parka that haniz gave me or grab my rashoumon cuz that's the only way to calm me from crying in the middle of the night. Yeah ya know their scents was there no matter how many times i wash em. It srsly funny but it's comforting. Ehehe...
iqis mo always with me.. but i cant tell bal scent was there... hmmm
idk why am I acting so childish. Telling people that they had their own hard time so I don't have or need to bother em...to..tell them that I'm not okay... I'm so confuse. I'm really afraid that I might be a burden or I may be a spoiled brat who spoils other people's mood, and their good time. It can't be help but stay silence in my train of thoughts.
Those thoughts, I can tell it is all a lie but at the same time they are true so why would I deny em? True by logics i mean.
logic like...
you keep on telling people you are doing this and that EVERY SECOND peeps getting bored with you until they don't know what else to respond and just..
hmm..
or
seen...
tbh when i was in the gud mood. i wanna tell people. but idk and something keep on telling me i don't have right to express my overflowing joy. It's so fcking hurt when i keep it all by my own. those unreleased feelings then mixed with hurtful thoughts that started to grow when dun let out the feelings. plus with family matters uwahh what a great combination of torture and it makes me... I wanna die so bad.
It's not good to have me in your life. yeah just cut me out. Tell me the truth. Why would people lying when they r trying to take care of other people's feelings but at the end the lies will definitely will.. ya know.. terbongkar and at the end it will hurt people even more. :(
ah shit here it goes again. Fara stop thinking and be happy... people can't stop reaching out for you.. please.. ok ok i got this.. those thoughts are lie. you have right on everything... yes.. I have right on everything.
so what happened these days.. I thought it would be normal for me.. 'merging ' bak kata dihah that I don't really believe that I had duality or multiple personalities...all I fell it it just me.. maybe? but then those thoughts came just like that an crashed on me. I don't have any chance to breath. It keeps crashing on me until at some point (usually cause it's always happen) I would vomit cuz It's too much. I choked and vomited. I can feel those thoughts are really toxic. Maybe that's why people would say
overthinking is toxic?
idk? that's how I feel. It would makes me drained by doing nothing but thinking. It grows my fear. I cannot lie about my beloved family actually adding my fear. I cannot talk properly. I always stutter because I'm so afraid. My hands won't stop shaking. and then... when it's too much again I'll vomit for no reason. I hate living in fear. Why would a family leaving me living with dread? insulting people is cool? enslave people is cool? no thank you? scolding people for doing a very perfect job/ their best coz they cant do it is cool? seeing people living with dread is cool? using people is actually cool? satisfied with other's failure is cool? What am I? living in this such of house hold? no one ever know my true condition right? when I'm getting sick all I get is scold and exposed my weakness to everyone. Is that cool? if not then why everyone smiling on those things?I'm so confuse and all those confusing questions keeps on question me.. and part of my mind would make thousands of assumptions.
like..
shud i tell them i'm happy or sad?
oh maybe u shudnt do that cuz people hate you, just stay silence..
i might need help with my current condition?
oh..you may have mental illness what a joke. u are strong so just stay silence or else you r an attention seeker u heard that?
i've done my best should i rest? it's tiring that no one gonna appreciate and love me..
oh work hard, the harder u work the more people will appreciate you. works hard is a sacrifice to earn your love from people...
Who would I trust actually. I know... all those hurtful thoughts came from my family actions. then I accidentally applied to my friends, the social media.. the world. I realized that I was wrong. They are not like what I've been told in this freaking house. It's awfully way too different. It sucks.
Everything is sucks.
It's hurts.
SUCKS.
today my body just autopilot go outta this house cuz its too scoffing and I called it..
healing hunting maybe?
cuz I wanna heal asap coz class will freakin starts tomorrow dude. I can't study with all these hurtful thoughts within my head haha. I know odl will tear me apart more than ever. hahahaa
so dun really hv mood but i suddenly found sanrio stuffs and just borong them. It was so fun. I bought some fuds too cuz im too tired to coz fancy dishes xD well blame cutting effected me. It's true that I would be drained faster when I starting to cut myself hue.
here's the video :3 enjoy everybody~!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_Kb8cpL0Ppv8A0Nn-J8h5NHu2c7bROeT/view?usp=sharing
I've sin enuf tho. Ya Allah I pray so I can read the peace I reach long ago :( I missed it. May I'm always have my sense keep away from harmful stuffs. May everyone that I love reach their happiness and be protected too. Amiin..
I guess that's the end for today :)
thanks fro reading and watching!
Fara, 0226am , Oct 11th, 2020.
Labels: achievement, journal, life, memory
Assalamualaikum..
heyya people. It's been 3 days that I've cut myself since...something actually trigger my train of thoughts. This is one of the worst but it is all okay i guess.. I'm not planing to die or kill myself btw. I just wanna make everything come to sense. That I'm still breathing and walking by watching my own blood flowing. It was satisfying.
I was wrong. Everything I said that people don't really care about me is wrong. They actually trying hard until at some point they don't know what to do.. don't know how to help. It's not like they don't care at all. It is just because they'll never understand me bcoz they hv nver been in my shoes. same applied to other people. If they said they would understand they r lying cuz no one understand each other by the same reason. I realized when i scrolled down my google photos and found a memory of me having a really bad time at jasin and my friends non stop calling me(screenshotted) everyday... and there's a pics and a video of me unboxing like.. a box. idk what to call that box so lets call it.. a loving selfcare box can I?
It's funny that I usualy grab neko parka that haniz gave me or grab my rashoumon cuz that's the only way to calm me from crying in the middle of the night. Yeah ya know their scents was there no matter how many times i wash em. It srsly funny but it's comforting. Ehehe...
iqis mo always with me.. but i cant tell bal scent was there... hmmm
idk why am I acting so childish. Telling people that they had their own hard time so I don't have or need to bother em...to..tell them that I'm not okay... I'm so confuse. I'm really afraid that I might be a burden or I may be a spoiled brat who spoils other people's mood, and their good time. It can't be help but stay silence in my train of thoughts.
Those thoughts, I can tell it is all a lie but at the same time they are true so why would I deny em? True by logics i mean.
logic like...
you keep on telling people you are doing this and that EVERY SECOND peeps getting bored with you until they don't know what else to respond and just..
hmm..
or
seen...
tbh when i was in the gud mood. i wanna tell people. but idk and something keep on telling me i don't have right to express my overflowing joy. It's so fcking hurt when i keep it all by my own. those unreleased feelings then mixed with hurtful thoughts that started to grow when dun let out the feelings. plus with family matters uwahh what a great combination of torture and it makes me... I wanna die so bad.
It's not good to have me in your life. yeah just cut me out. Tell me the truth. Why would people lying when they r trying to take care of other people's feelings but at the end the lies will definitely will.. ya know.. terbongkar and at the end it will hurt people even more. :(
ah shit here it goes again. Fara stop thinking and be happy... people can't stop reaching out for you.. please.. ok ok i got this.. those thoughts are lie. you have right on everything... yes.. I have right on everything.
so what happened these days.. I thought it would be normal for me.. 'merging ' bak kata dihah that I don't really believe that I had duality or multiple personalities...all I fell it it just me.. maybe? but then those thoughts came just like that an crashed on me. I don't have any chance to breath. It keeps crashing on me until at some point (usually cause it's always happen) I would vomit cuz It's too much. I choked and vomited. I can feel those thoughts are really toxic. Maybe that's why people would say
overthinking is toxic?
idk? that's how I feel. It would makes me drained by doing nothing but thinking. It grows my fear. I cannot lie about my beloved family actually adding my fear. I cannot talk properly. I always stutter because I'm so afraid. My hands won't stop shaking. and then... when it's too much again I'll vomit for no reason. I hate living in fear. Why would a family leaving me living with dread? insulting people is cool? enslave people is cool? no thank you? scolding people for doing a very perfect job/ their best coz they cant do it is cool? seeing people living with dread is cool? using people is actually cool? satisfied with other's failure is cool? What am I? living in this such of house hold? no one ever know my true condition right? when I'm getting sick all I get is scold and exposed my weakness to everyone. Is that cool? if not then why everyone smiling on those things?I'm so confuse and all those confusing questions keeps on question me.. and part of my mind would make thousands of assumptions.
like..
shud i tell them i'm happy or sad?
oh maybe u shudnt do that cuz people hate you, just stay silence..
i might need help with my current condition?
oh..you may have mental illness what a joke. u are strong so just stay silence or else you r an attention seeker u heard that?
i've done my best should i rest? it's tiring that no one gonna appreciate and love me..
oh work hard, the harder u work the more people will appreciate you. works hard is a sacrifice to earn your love from people...
Who would I trust actually. I know... all those hurtful thoughts came from my family actions. then I accidentally applied to my friends, the social media.. the world. I realized that I was wrong. They are not like what I've been told in this freaking house. It's awfully way too different. It sucks.
Everything is sucks.
It's hurts.
SUCKS.
today my body just autopilot go outta this house cuz its too scoffing and I called it..
healing hunting maybe?
cuz I wanna heal asap coz class will freakin starts tomorrow dude. I can't study with all these hurtful thoughts within my head haha. I know odl will tear me apart more than ever. hahahaa
so dun really hv mood but i suddenly found sanrio stuffs and just borong them. It was so fun. I bought some fuds too cuz im too tired to coz fancy dishes xD well blame cutting effected me. It's true that I would be drained faster when I starting to cut myself hue.
here's the video :3 enjoy everybody~!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_Kb8cpL0Ppv8A0Nn-J8h5NHu2c7bROeT/view?usp=sharing
I've sin enuf tho. Ya Allah I pray so I can read the peace I reach long ago :( I missed it. May I'm always have my sense keep away from harmful stuffs. May everyone that I love reach their happiness and be protected too. Amiin..
I guess that's the end for today :)
thanks fro reading and watching!
Fara, 0226am , Oct 11th, 2020.
Labels: achievement, journal, life, memory